Back Door To Your Teens Heart

Back Door
Raising Girls: Summary
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The Back Door to Your Teen's Heart
Published in 2002 by Harvest House Publishers
ISBN 0-7369-0837-4

Having trouble connecting with your teen? Feel like every time you try, you get a door slammed in your face? Then, why not try the back door? It's always openÑif you know how to find it.

Remember how you reacted to your parents' attempts to...well, be a parent? And now you're the parent, trying to understand the teen under your roof.

Here's help from two women who actually understand teens. Their practical "back door" approach to parenting adolescents will help you "soften, shape, and strengthen" you teen into the person God is creating them to be. Melissa and Sissy invite you on a challenging yet delightful journey through the back door into your teen's heart.

"This book represents years, thousands of hours, of rich, life-changing involvement with teens. It could become a classic."
- Larry Crabb - Psychologist, Author, and Founder of New Life Ministries

"Melissa and Sissy have written a book that speaks the language of the heart of both teens and adults. What a valuable resource for those who want to understand how to love across the generations, God's way!"
- Michael W. and Debbie Smith - Author, Recording Artist, and Songwriters

"We all want to have good relationships and communication with our teens. In this book Sissy and Melissa share some tried-and-true methods to reach your teen gleaned from their many years of counseling. I think parents reading this will be helped greatly."
- Dennis Rainey - Author and Director of FamilyLife Ministries


The Back Door To Your Teen's Heart: An Introduction

"How was your day?" "Fine."
"What did you do in school?" "Nothing."
"How did you do on your English test?" "Okay."
"Your dad got a new job today." "Cool."

To the degree that kids can predict you, they will dismiss you. Any of us who have ever parented, taught, counseled, or loved a teenager have felt the fiery sting of dismissal, and have had a conversation almost identical to this one. In our offices, we see kids ranging from age 5 to 18, and adolescence is by far the most difficult few years in a child and parent's life. It's almost as if the child we knew at 10 or 11 years of age who laughed with us, went to the movies with us, and would crawl up into our lap to read a book has been kidnapped. The trick on us is that he or she has been replaced with a child who looks identical, but is often sullen, embarrassed to be seen with us, and seems to speak only in one word utterances.

Fifteen years ago, Melissa began a counseling ministry for adolescents. Over the years, hundreds of these teenagers and their families have walked through the doors of Daystar Counseling Ministries. And, over the years, we have learned a lot about what does and does not penetrate the hearts of adolescents. People ask us on a regular basis, "Why don't you start a Daystar in other cities?"

Our response to that question is this book.
We don't believe that every city needs a Daystar. What we believe every city needs are parents, teachers, youth directors, and others who are in relationships with teenagers and are willing to walk through what we refer to as "the back door."

The back door is a concept we discuss regularly with parents who feel dismissed by their adolescent children. It is a metaphor for both connection and unpredictability in relationship with teenagers. It is a metaphor we consider important enough to build a book around.

Connection: the Experience of Relationship
All of us have seen the doormats that say, "Back door friends are always welcome." There is a specific reason these particular friends are welcome...they are, indeed, friends. They are people with whom we feel comfortable, familiar, connected. To some degree, they have earned the right to enter our back door. The quickest way to be dismissed by an adolescent is to try to be a part of their lives without establishing a relationship. As counselors, teachers, youth directors, and others who are trying to enter the lives of a teenager, establishing a relationship is crucial and something that we will outline specifically in the first section of this book. For a parent, this relationship already exists.

A mom recently told us of her panic over trying to find the perfect gift for her son who was going through a hard time. She had been to almost every store in Nashville. She was frustrated, tired, and finally gave up. "I literally fell apart. As silly as it sounds, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't deal with the pressure of finding something that would make him feel better about himself. I felt like a failure as a parent." Her son's response surprised her. "Mom, you are a good parent. I have the best parents in the world." "That was it," she told us. "From that point, I quit trying so hard. I started experiencing the relationship rather than trying to make it happen ." Through her own failure and frustration, this mom found her way to the back door of her teenage son's heart. She discovered the connection that he was feeling the entire time. As a parent, to go through the back door is to go on and experience this connection, whether your adolescent responds as endearingly as this boy or not.

Unpredictability: the Surprise of Relationship
Another component of the back door image lies in unpredictability. In contrast to a back door approach, someone who comes through the front door would be doing the obvious, announcing his presence to all. This type of movement toward an adolescent will usually make her withdraw or become angry. He will feel more like she has been offered a sales pitch than extended an invitation to relationship. The experience of relationship combined with the unpredictability of the back door is often how a teenager feels respected. Several years ago, a teenage girl in one of our group counseling sessions turned to another who was in group for the first time. "I don't come to Daystar for counseling," she said. "I just come to talk about my problems."

We have heard many kids over the years make similar statements. And, when they do, we are thrilled. Our back door at Daystar often takes the form of an Old English Sheepdog and a Maltese that are the first to greet each of the kids that walk into our offices. Spiced tea is always brewing in the lobby. We have baskets full of pictures of our summer camps for people to look at while they are waiting for their session to begin. A majority of kids across the country are dragged into their first counseling appointment. But it only takes one lick from our unpredictable sheepdog, Molasses, to soften the hearts of some of those who are dragged into our offices. It is often these very kids that decide they come to Daystar "just to talk about their problems". Somewhere in the midst of the spiced tea, the dogs, the unpredictability, and the relationships, these kids feel the freedom to open the back door to their hearts.

Through the Back Door
It is our hope that this book, in itself, will be a type of back door. It is not about what will work to fix your child. We do not, as counselors, parents or anyone else in relationship with adolescents have the ability to directly change the heart of a teen. What we can do, however, is focus on Jesus and his approach to us.

"I have called you friends." John 15:15, NIV

In this verse, Jesus initiates relationship. He makes a profound and unpredictable statement. As our Lord and Savior, He speaks to us in a way that is completely comfortable, familiar, and connected. He calls us his friends.

"I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in." Revelation 3:20, NIV

We obviously don't know if Jesus is referring to the front or back door. We do know that He is talking about the door to our hearts. And we know that His knock always gives us a choice.

It would be wonderful if we could make every child respond like the boy whose mom was trying to find him the right gift. We can not and should not, just as Jesus does not force a response from us. What he often gets from us instead is either no answer or a door slammed in His face. Even so, He continues to offer us relationship. He calls us his friends, and knocks (which happens to sound a lot like the back door to us).

The first section of this book, called Through the Back Door, will describe what it looks like for us as adults to offer relationship to the teenagers we love. In order to offer them relationship, it is important that we first know them. This section will begin by examining the realities of adolescence and the effects of today's culture on our kids. We will then explore how our response to these adolescents helps them to feel respected and leads us through the back door of their hearts.

"You are going to be like sheep running through a wolf pack, so don't call attention to yourselves. Be as cunning as a snake, inoffensive as a dove."
- Matthew 10:16, The Message

In Matthew 10, Jesus was literally sending the disciples out to knock on doors. They had a mission. This verse is one that we like to use in our offices for those on the mission we call parenting. It is a great description of what it means to enter through the back door. It also, however, describes in a little more detail what we might find at the back door of a teenager's heart.

The Wolf Pack
It may feel like a stretch to think of teenagers as a wolf pack. But, if we were to live in their worlds even for a day, we would easily make the connection. As we are painfully aware, violence in schools is at an all-time high. Sarcasm seems to be one of adolescents' most frequent means of communication. Just walking to class, many of them are attacked with sexual slurs and belittling comments. Adolescents can be ruthless and cruel, to one another and to anyone who tries to get close to them. A middle school girl recently came to one of our counseling groups in tears over what had happened to her that day at lunch. "I went through the cafeteria line, and took my tray to look for a place to sit. I saw the table where my friends were, and went to sit down. As soon as I did, every one of them got up and moved to a different table."

The Bible speaks a great deal about children and the importance of their teaching and instruction. With youth, however, there is an ambivalent image. Scripture refers equally to both the passions and follies of youth. On one hand, it describes the strength, vigor, and passion of this age (2 Timothy 2:22, Proverbs 20:29, Ecclesiastes 11:9, 12:1). On the other, it talks about a recklessness and impulsivity that can lead to shame later in life (Psalm 25:7, Isaiah 54:4, Jeremiah 13:13, Titus 2:6). There is an intensity that is present in adolescence that is stronger than in perhaps any other period. Saint Augustine, one of the most renowned theologians from the first century, talked about the shame and passion of his youth.

"I could not distinguish between the clear shining of affection and the darkness of lust...I could not keep within the kingdom of light, where friendship binds soul to soul...And so I polluted the brook of friendship with the sewage of lust."

Saint Augustine recognized the intensity of his own adolescence. He saw in it the potential for darkness and the potential for its capture by the kingdom of light. The intensity teenagers are experiencing can lead them in either direction, and oftentimes in both. It is remarkable how many adults refer to their adolescence as the beginning of their relationship with Christ. It is also remarkable how many adults look back on this period of their lives with shame and regret. This very fact supports the extreme importance of our mission as adults in the lives of adolescents. In the verse from Matthew 10, the emphasis of Jesus' mission is not on the wolf pack. What he emphasizes, instead, is who we are as adults and how we are to respond to our wolves.

The Sheep In the Scripture, Jesus says we are sheep...not only sheep, but sheep among wolves. Needless to say, this doesn't seem very encouraging. Jesus was, in fact, saying our mission would be a difficult one. Sheep are known for their helplessness and their vulnerability. Sheep are also known to be harassed by wolves.

A mom we spoke with recently described the first time her 14-year-old daughter rode alone in a car with several boys. The word she used to describe her feeling that night was "terror". She could very much identify with the picture of the kids as the wolf pack, and she definitely could identify with the helplessness of a sheep.

Although this adolescent girl may have needed protection, what the mom really needed was the confidence that she had a shepherd. Not just in this verse, but throughout the Bible, we are described as sheep in need of a shepherd to guide us. And it is because we are so like sheep that Jesus, as our shepherd, tells us how we are to respond.

The Charge Jesus sends the sheep into the wolf pack with the charge to be as "cunning as a snake, inoffensive as a dove." The NIV translates it as, "wise as a serpent, gentle as a dove." The metaphor Jesus uses of the snake and the dove contains two animals that are about as different as any two animals can be. As the verse states, snakes are cunning and wise. They have an ability to anticipate and outwit their attackers. Biblically, the dove is a symbol of peace and gentleness. Doves are described as harmless, soft, beautiful, and affectionate.

Wise as a Serpent The image of the parent as a snake implies an awareness of the culture in which teenagers are living. It knows the wolf pack, and is both wise and unpredictable in its response. For example, a teenager comes home from church and announces that she is no longer going to be a part of her youth group. "Everyone there looks alike, dresses alike, and won't talk to anyone new. Besides, I'm not even sure I believe in that stuff anymore." That statement could be a difficult blow for a parent of a teenager. Most adolescents expect their parents to respond by coming in the front door and giving them announcements, not choices.

A front door response would be something like, "Youth group is not negotiable. You will be a part of your youth group as long as you are living under my roof."

A back door response that is unpredictable and wise could be one such as, "That's fine. You don't have to go to youth group anymore. You can choose between youth group, Young Life, FCA, or a small group Bible study. Whichever one you choose will be fine with us."

The unpredictability of the back door is in the choice. The snake-like wisdom is found in the fact that, in the midst of making her own choice, the child will still be attending some type of Christian activity. The parent has allowed the child to make her own choice, but within the context of his or her own priorities as a parent.

Gentle as a Dove
The dove, in contrast to the snake, offers a gentleness that is found in connection. It is a gentleness that is not trampled upon, but one that experiences relationship with the adolescent. A teenage boy who had been suspended from school told us in group about a conversation he had with his father when he came home. In a soft voice, he said "When we were talking, my dad put his hand on my shoulder. I remember thinking, ÔI don't ever want him to take his hand away.'" This dad still had a conversation with his son about what he had done, but it was in a context of relationship and connection that moved his adolescent son.

To be both a snake and a dove is a way to walk through the back door of a teenager's heart. In the verse in Matthew, Jesus says, "You are going to be like sheep running through a wolf pack, so don't draw attention to yourselves." To only be a snake and to announce our power as an adult is like pounding on the front door trying to barge our way in. We call attention to ourselves. To only be a dove would never earn the respect that allows an entrance. We would be dismissed.

As a side note, we see many families where one parent acts as the snake and one parent acts as the dove. This is not what we're talking about, although it is much more natural. A child who has one snake parent and one dove parent will end up playing the two against each other. They will eventually come to dislike the snake and dismiss the dove.

As parents, teachers, counselors, and adults who care about adolescents, it is our mission to be both. Jesus stands at the door and knocks, just as we stand at the door to our teenager's heart. The unpredictability and the relationship that we offer are what free the adolescent to be able to respond.

Soften
Softening is the first thing that takes place once the back door is open. Section II of our book will describe what softening looks like in the life of a teenager. It is creating a place where an adolescent can feel safe and free to be honest about their world and about themselves. It is also reminding the adolescent that they are not alone, that as adults, we enjoy and care about them deeply.

Shape
Section III of our book will talk about shaping. Shaping seems to be the part that we often feel most comfortable with as adults. It is helping them to learn, to grow. It is the actual movement of the teenager. Again, in the context of a safe relationship, it is helping to mold them into who God has created them to be. This doesn't happen by either coddling them or forcing them to learn, but by respecting them in a way that says, "You are created for much more than you are now experiencing."

Strengthen
Our fourth section of the book will look at what it means to strengthen all that God has been doing in the lives of our child. It is helping them see that they have a voice. It is reminding them that nothing is ever so terrible in their lives that they can't give to another. Each of them longs to know they make a difference, and we can be instrumental in giving them opportunities to do so.

Strengthening cannot come before shaping, and shaping cannot take place without softening. And none of these are possible if we are not invited into the back door of the adolescent's heart. It is our hope that this book will help you to re-connect to the teenager that you know and love, and to discover new parts of yourself in the process. It is not, however, a three-step process we work through one time. We will join our adolescent friends in continually being softened, shaped, and strengthened by God until we meet Him face to face and are all made perfect.

Going Out the Back Door
The final section of our book will address the importance of giving our teenagers room to grow. As we walk out the back door of their hearts, we help them to establish independence and a dependence on God. The quality of relationship we have established with our children gives us the freedom to leave and to return, and gives them the foundation on which to grow.

Picture a teenager sitting in his den, feet up on the coffee table, watching television. Someone knocks on the front door. He gets up, walks to the door, and looks through the peephole before he even considers opening the door. If he doesn't know them, he possibly goes right back to his spot in front of the television.

Now, imagine someone knocking on the back door. This time, he simply looks toward the door and says, "Come on in". He hollers again, in a louder voice, "Come on in. The door is open." The person on the outside steps in...